As I’m saying it, I’m seeing my husband look at me like I’ve gone crazy. He’s interested, I know, but it all sounds so far fetched to him. But to me, everything I’m saying feels completely rational and I suddenly wonder,
“Have I been transported to another lane in life??????” I’ve heard we can be vibrating on different frequencies, is this what’s happened to me?
I honestly feel in that moment like I was driving down a one lane highway, surrounded by all the usual things, like mountains in the distance and trees by the side of the road. My understanding of the world seemed to make sense! The trees were the color they should be, the mountains had some snow. I knew who I was.
When all of a sudden, someone picked up the car and moved it over to a different lane on a different road. It still has mountains and trees, except these trees are this pretty green color, much brighter than any others that I’ve seen. And the snow is so beautiful, I don’t remember feeling such love for snow like I do now. I seriously want to just sit in the snow (and I did this winter!).
This world feels more magical, but much more complex. It is not important that I know everything, but the meaningful moments carry such a feeling of gratitude that it causes me to want to express it. So I do. To my husband. Who has a look on his face like I should be possibly locked up even though I am probably the most rational and sane person he knows.
You see, I’m telling him about my newfound love for energy healing, specifically Reiki, and how when I called in my Higher Self and Angelic guides into a Reiki session, I had such an incredible experience beyond the traditional Reiki which I already loved. Everything I’d been learning from several teachers all clicked together in this one session. This 30 minutes offered such insight for the person I was healing that it made perfect sense for this lifetime, but happened in such a succinct way that I don’t feel my everyday self would have been able to sum it up like that or feel those emotions.
If you’ve already been doing this self-exploration and learning to connect with your higher self and guides, you may be thinking “of course that’s what happened,” and “what a great experience!”
But if you are me a few years ago and my husband now, it hardly sounds reasonable. Right?
I honestly did not think Angels existed. I believed in spirits and that our energy must go somewhere, but calling in an angel seemed very implausible and I would’ve assumed they were too busy for me anyway even if they did exist. Or the idea that they exist but it’s in a hierarchical place right next to a God and there was no way for a little person like me to reach them.
But now, I am learning to include them in my Reiki sessions or meditations after spending time cultivating that relationship and communication—and just really getting my mind to understand that there is a vast universe and it’s so much more than we can comprehend at once (see That Moment When You Realize Reality Feels Unreal). Because this all happened quickly and slowly (yes, both!), it now seems very reasonable except in those brief moments when I panic (see –Spiritual Backsliding is a B*tch, and Can I just Stay Asleep? for those times).
Sitting on the couch with him telling him this story, reminds me of this time when I was driving a bunch of friends around and suddenly we were on a different street on a different side of town. Not one of us remembered driving there! The logical explanation was that we were so distracted talking that we didn’t pay attention to where we were going and then when we looked around we were further away but the only thing we remembered was chatting. But what was funny about it is that we all looked around suddenly and were like, “How did we get here????” Not one of us knew and we all experienced that same feeling of being in a completely different setting at the same time. We brushed it off and went on our way.
And that’s how I felt telling my husband about my experience sitting among the stars in this healing.
How I was lucky to feel the expansiveness of the universe and the light. Just sitting there soaking it in for a while felt like I was given a gift and a feeling to carry with me, and it felt like this person was able to feel that too.
It was amazing.
It felt natural and like I’d been doing it my whole life.
This is not to say that the other lane I was driving in was not great, it was amazing too and I’ve loved all of it so far. It was just a different reality, in some ways.
In this reality I am the same person but it’s as if I brushed off some old tools and added them into this experience now at a time when it felt like I needed them. It really all started with this call to wake up, which I now think was from myself. I don’t want to say that we are sleeping and need to be woken up, but something in my life had been missing, something that I couldn’t name and it was as if I needed to set about finding it to feel more whole. Some people are born connected to it I bet, or it is their journey to come in and seem to know exactly what to do with their life and they seem very fulfilled. But I just wasn’t one of those people.
I was happy, grateful, healthy, but kept feeling like there was something I wasn’t understanding or getting. Some limit that I wasn’t seeing. A feeling that something inside me wanted more and could do more. It felt similar to the difference between the beginning of a yoga class or the end. Or the beginning of your run and the end. In the beginning you are more cooped up, itching to stretch or just let your mind go, and the end you are much more at peace.
It’s like I was living in the space of about to start…even though I was doing.
So I set about figuring out what it could be and reading everything that I felt an urgency to read or do. Until suddenly, I felt like reading less and I just wanted to be quiet for a while. And meditate. And do Reiki. And connect to my inner self. Just really enjoy life. It wasn’t all roses. There was emotional and physcial pain along the way which may have or may not have happened either way.
But here I am. On the couch with my husband, who is also my best friend of 18 years, and he’s looking at me like I have two heads.
I’m in this different lane but thankfully still surrounded by many of the same people. And those people will accept what I am saying or they won’t.
But they seem support my right to say it which is amazing and also the boundary I’ve spent time setting.
I put myself on this path. And even though it was completely discombobulating at first, my soul feels so grateful. Like it was super restricted before but now it can breathe in more fully.
Even when I don’t understand what all is going on or what will possibly happen in the future, I can breathe fully into the moment, accept that it’s okay if my husband thinks I’m crazy as long as I still get to be me and I feel loved by him.
And this new road, this new lane, this new highway? It feels true. It feels natural. It feels like instead of driving along it I am walking barefoot on it with my feet firmly planted on the ground. I can’t get enough of that feeling of being connected to the earth and this strong desire to appreciate her. It feels like I reconnected to my child self who came into this world thinking everything is possible and there were no constraints to life.
Before I was told that there were.
Before I saw sadness and tragedy and didn’t know how to reconcile that with this belief we are limitless.
Which I still don’t understand entirely but I’m putting one foot in front of the other, and sometimes twirling my way forward or cartwheeling.
Or planting my butt in the snow and sitting with the quiet and the trees and just breathing it all in.
Thankfully, I’ve connected to enough people and made several friends who are where I am or even further along in their journey which keeps me grounded.
And they are saying, “Of course you would call in your higher self and guides during meditation.” “Why would you do it any other way????”