This post is big. It’s PIVOTAL. It is more than words typed into a computer. It represents an entire shift in my life that there is no way to explain but to pick a starting point and take you through it.
I have been visiting the dark places and the light in trying to learn to be a writer, but more importantly, someone who wants to be heard and seen. It’s been hard for me. I’ve never minded being a wallflower. In fact, I love to people watch and have my close friends and it has usually been enough. In groups I have some “deep” thoughts but usually choose not to speak them unless I feel it’s really important.
I enjoy quiet. I like to listen.
Until I heard this call to write. I’d always been writing but this was different. This was about getting a message out. This was about being published. It was clear, this feeling, that I should write about spiritual awakenings. Even though I hadn’t been through it yet. Even though I had been standing at one end of the tunnel and needed to walk through and come out the other side first.
And the me who I affectionately call the “Big Me” was totally onboard. Completely ready to dive in and become a blogger as I “woke up” and I pursued it wholeheartedly.
But as I would later discover, and will share in another post in more depth, the little me (or me’s) weren’t having it. And even energy that didn’t belong to me was a force to be reckoned with! Since I had no idea I had to support my fears, my strengths, and my weaknesses all the same it became a life of ups and downs that at some points I worried would make me literally go insane.
So many highs and lows!
I had no idea you can’t just say “I’m going to push through fear” but I certainly learned just that. Or you can push through, but there may be some big fallout after.
I’ve had physical injuries and pains. It seemed that every time I was on a great path, everything would come crashing down. Literally I would think “Life is so good,” and the next minute my husband is fainting in the kitchen and I’m standing with paramedics all around me.
Read Related: When Things Fall Apart, They REALLY Fall Apart!
But I kept pushing because I’m passionate and it feels like what I’m meant to do. But it has felt like pushing. As if I’m trying to push the boulder up the mountain in order for it to fall down again, on me actually so that I’m stuck under it. The turmoil, the unexpected drama may have been completely unrelated to my writing, but the timing of it always felt related. The low was always after a big high, not usually on a boring and dull day, for example.
I feel my soul wants to express itself through writing and feels so much better when it does. If you’ve had that feeling before, it’s almost like you can’t think of anything else but doing what you are doing and you pursue it like a steam roller. But a few months ago I started hearing that I should stop and address my physical symptoms. I didn’t listen all the way, but I would hear “Stop for awhile and heal the physical.” I haven’t been sick exactly, but I was having constant physical ailments that seemed to get in the way of my life and kept me going to different doctor appointments frequently. If you’ve been in pain (and who hasn’t??), you know it’s very challenging to think of anything else.
Read Related: What I Mean When I Say ‘I Heard’
So as I worked to heal the physical, I kept writing and posting, just at a slower pace. I hadn’t chosen to completely disconnect from it because I would feel like I was stepping away from this inner calling. Any spare time I got, I was writing in journals or typing on the computer. I have loose papers everywhere with ideas on them so I won’t forget them…
But, I felt my life continued to be a push and pull. Over and over I would feel like I would hit a wall and have to completely stop and regroup.
“Am I hearing wrong?” I would think. “Should I not be writing?” “Should it take 20 years to be discovered?” And “If it does take 20 years what do I do in the meantime when my former career seems the opposite of these discoveries I’ve been through?”
More importantly, you always hear that if you are aligned with the universe the resources to support you show up. So am I wrong about writing being something aligning with my life path if support doesn’t show up? Or, am I correct but some issue inside me isn’t resolved?
Those are all the thoughts I had been thinking, on a loop– CONSTANTLY. My inner critic, my friendly and persistent questioner, they were very busy keeping me occupied with second guessing to the point where everything I did was either All or Nothing.
When everything changed…
I read a post in an email from Hay House that lucid dreams can be healing. I didn’t remember ever having one and I thought it sounded good. Before I went to bed I had the thought, “I would like to heal in my sleep.” It sounds nice, right? Heal while your sleeping?
The same night around midnight I “woke up.” I was lying awake, but I didn’t exactly feel like I was awake. My senses were heightened. I was very aware but I don’t know that I could’ve gotten up and walked around if I had tried to. It lasted for about an hour as I remember noticing the clock (at least I think the clock part was real).
In this strange state of consciousness, I heard a small part of me, like a child, asking “Why are we doing this?” I knew she meant this blog. I felt split into three different parts in that moment. One part, an innocent child asking, a second part–me now at this age who is writing, and the third part a connection to a much higher state that felt expansive like the sky.
Me, now, could not answer this child’s question. I waited for the answer to come from above, from the expansive energy I was connected to, as to why I am so insistent on writing and blogging but no answer came. Just silence. Silence anytime the question arose. Why are we doing this?
She was very insistent with her innocent asking, “Why are we doing this???”
As I thought about why I was doing what I was doing – pursuing this passion which I did not really understand myself – I could not answer why I felt passionate about it or who I was writing to. I really didn’t know why I was so driven to read other people’s posts and books on things like lucid dreams, angel communications, manifestation, and the list goes on. I read, I discover, I apply it to my life and then I want to share it. But why? And with whom???
I always have these thoughts going through my head like I am talking to someone. That’s what I write is this conversation I’m having with an audience that I have to get down on paper for it to leave my head. Until it’s published it stays with me, for days, weeks, months, and even years. The same post titles will appear in my mind until it is written. But who is my audience? Who am I writing to? Seriously, who am I writing to?
“Why are we doing this?”
I couldn’t answer this child. This innocent me who was scared and uncomfortable with this writing. This child who feels unsafe. This child who is being led by someone who doesn’t know why they are doing what they are doing. She has a right to know. Right? If I am leading this life of ours and I can’t answer myself to say what I’m doing, is it the right thing to do?
I used to think it was “leap and the net will appear.” Now, I’m wondering if it’s “look before you leap.” Or is it both?
So I stopped.
I suddenly couldn’t get the scene from Forrest Gump out of my head when he just stops running. He’s been running for three years and he just stops. Everyone is looking at him to say something profound and all he says is “I’m pretty tired. I think I’ll go home now.”
I was pretty tired too.
So that’s what I did. After years of waking up every morning and writing, in some form or another, I just stopped.
I decided not to write until I knew who I was writing to. I still jotted notes in my journal, but nothing that would seem like it could turn into a blog post or book. I mean, who were these posts for????
I would catch myself thinking of something to write and I would ask myself, “Who are you talking to Nicole?” And I couldn’t answer. So then I would tell myself to just be quiet for now.
Just for now, let’s be quiet.
I continued on my path of healing the physical and taking care of myself. A Human Resources job came up and I took that to help with my finances but completely stopped all blogging activities including social media. Why was I so compelled to connect on social media anyway?
After three to four weeks of quiet, of not exploring, of deciding that I cannot answer the question and I cannot reach out to people until I can, I started to hear an answer.
I have two different blogs that serve different but similar audiences. This one and mindovermessy.com. I thought of a post to write for Mind Over Messy about a child who had slapped my six-year old and how I approached it. When I asked, “Who are you writing to?” instead of the usual silence I heard “mindful parents, mindful people, and yogi’s.” Conscious people interested in looking at life a different way and wanting to connect to others to stay grounded. Finally, an answer! I didn’t judge whether or not that was the right audience or ask who am I to write to them, I just listened to the answer. After all, I’ve been applying my journey toward consciousness to my parenting this whole time so others may be trying to do the same. Right?
I had the idea to write this post about not writing and I asked, “Who am I writing this to?” and I heard “my fellow awakeners.” Those being called to wake up. My fellow light workers and beings who are being asked to step outside their comfort zone. And being asked from a place they are not yet familiar with. Whether it’s a higher self, their soul, their angels, they are being asked to serve. And in that serving their physical reality may not be accepting it yet either and they may be working through it too.
Working with these parts of us, this complicated process of being simultaneously enlightened and possibly having all energy dropping same day, is not something I am alone in doing.
My soul, or some inner stirring, has lead me to this place where I write about the things I used to be too vulnerable about to even voice out loud, and even then only to a small handful of people. I hope it gives others that permission to admit that they too are experiencing some amazing and strange things, and some highs and lows.
And maybe, people can start to awaken without the highs and the lows?
I hope we can all stand confidently in our truth, whatever our truth is.
And I hope we feel connected when we do it. Supported and together instead of alone.
Maybe I’m meant to be speak up and say I am uncomfortable too but it’s okay. It’s okay to be whoever we are meant to be. It’s okay to fill our small role in this complicated universe and shine our light.
It’s okay. There is no need for me to run, finally.
I don’t know why I was running so fast in the first place, but I feel at peace now. Like I have all the time I need to let my feelings and view point out. And to support myself as I do.
And to listen to myself as I go.
And to play more.
And to relax.
And to finally open up and allow myself to receive.
I feel okay now, FINALLY, saying I am worthy of receiving money and success. This was not easy for me to say before. Not easy at all.
After this experience I’m thinking the article I read that lucid dreams can be healing was correct. That dream, that specific question really pushed me into listening to the universe and actually waiting the three weeks it took to get an answer. Usually I ask, keep pushing, and do not wait. Patience is not my strong point, lol, but I’m getting there.
Instead of pushing the boulder up the hill, or being stuck under it, I feel as though I’m sitting on top of it enjoying the view. Maybe sitting cross-legged with my journal and my favorite pen.
It doesn’t mean my life is suddenly perfect, it means the self-imposed pressure of life has been lifted. The worry that didn’t need to be there, the blocking and the inner turmoil, it has become quiet.
It’s like being calm in the middle of a hurricane.
People have started saying things like “you seem like such a calm energy” which is a really odd thing for random people to say, but that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling.
I remember an interview I saw of Oprah with Eckhart Tolle where he said he was on the verge of suicide when he figured out the voice in his head wasn’t really the true him (I’m paraphrasing) and he walked around in bliss for a year. I thought the idea of that bliss was crazy, or a pipedream to be honest, but now I get it.
It’s not necessarily that you give up your problems or that you don’t have bills or illness around you, it’s that you let go of the need to internalize it all and relive it. The break from that need to rehash events or second guess them, or even letting go of the need to spend so much energy on what my purpose is, is a blessing really.
Everything has unfolded as it should, it didn’t matter if I was pushing for results rather than letting it flow. I feel I’ve reached the same place either way.
I thank the universe for giving me that dream and asking me to just pause. To just wait. To just BE for awhile.
It stayed with me and now I feel that I am being present with each moment as it comes. Setting goals but not obsessing.
It literally feels like my mind has shifted to some calm state where I can recognize unnecessary turmoil, thank it for the information, and let it go.
I hope it lasts.
I’ve been focusing on high vibrational living to stay in this state, and letting it flow.
And trusting that everything else will come.
How about you? Have you experienced this “running” and pushing? Did you too find a more peaceful place when you just stopped and waited if you did? I would love to hear about your experience with this in the comments.